Dear Picklepedia: Is Meeting Male Players for Solo Drills While My Husband Works Crossing a Line?

By Picklepedia’s Patsy – Pickleball Coach & Retired Therapist

Dear Picklepedia,

I’m 52 and I’ve been playing pickleball for about eight months. I absolutely love it and I’ve been working hard to improve my game. The problem is, I’ve been meeting up with different guys from my club for one-on-one drilling sessions in the mornings while my husband Dave is at work. It’s completely innocent—we’re literally just working on serves, returns, and dinking drills. These guys are better players and they’ve been super helpful.

Last week Dave came home early and saw a text from Mark (one of my drill partners) saying “Same time Thursday? Can’t wait to work on your backhand.” He completely lost it, saying it sounds like I’m having an affair and that meeting men one-on-one is inappropriate. When he asked why I never mentioned it, I didn’t have a good answer—it just never came up, or maybe I avoided it? Now he wants me to only drill with women or quit the one-on-ones entirely. Am I crossing a line here, or is he overreacting?

—Katy in California

Dear Katy,

You know what? I’m probably the worst person to give you advice on this, but I’m gonna try anyway.

About six years ago—I was still playing five times a week like I had something to prove—I started meeting up with this guy named Frank for drills. Tuesday and Thursday mornings, 9 AM sharp, while my husband Richard was at his men’s breakfast club. Frank had this wicked spin serve I was dying to learn, and he was patient enough to work with me on it.

Here’s the thing: I never mentioned it to Richard. Not once. I don’t even know why—it just never came up, you know? Or maybe I didn’t bring it up. There’s a difference.

Anyway, one Thursday Richard’s breakfast gets cancelled, and he decides to surprise me at the courts with coffee. Sweet, right? Except he pulls up and sees me and Frank laughing our heads off because I’d just served one directly into my own foot. Classic me.

Richard doesn’t come over. He just… leaves. Takes the coffee with him.

When I get home an hour later, he’s doing the crossword puzzle with this look on his face. You know the look. The one where they’re not mad, they’re “just thinking.” He finally says, “So. Frank seems nice.”

And I—God, I hate admitting this—I got defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Like HE was the one being unreasonable. I actually said, “Richard, I’m 74 years old. What exactly do you think is happening?”

The way his face fell when I said that. Like I’d dismissed his feelings as stupid.

We went to bed without resolving it, and the next morning at breakfast he said real quiet, “I just miss playing with you. We used to play together all the time.”

And there it was. The actual issue. Not Frank. Not the drills. It was disconnection. In thirty years of doing marriage counseling, I’d seen this exact pattern constantly: one partner finds a new interest, the other feels left behind, and instead of saying “I miss you,” it comes out as suspicion or resentment.

I’d been so focused on improving my game that I forgot Richard might want to be part of that. Somewhere along the line, I decided pickleball was MY thing, not OUR thing.

Let me ask you something: What is your husband actually saying underneath the jealousy? Because jealousy is almost never about the surface issue. It’s a signal flare. When Richard saw me with Frank, his brain didn’t think “affair.” It thought “replacement.” Like I’d found someone better to spend my Tuesday mornings with.

So here’s what I should’ve done: name it early and invite him in. “Hey, I’m working on spin serves with Frank on Thursdays. Want to join?” Or even just, “Frank taught me this cool technique—let me show you.” Twenty words. Would’ve saved us both a week of weird tension.

Is your husband feeling excluded, or is he being controlling? Because those are two very different problems. If he’s upset because you have something that doesn’t include him, that’s actually fixable. It means he wants more connection with you, not less freedom for you.

But if you’ve been open and inclusive and he’s still acting jealous? Then we’re talking about a trust issue, and that’s deeper.

Try this: next time you’re heading out for drills, mention it casually. “Working on dinks with Mike this morning—back by 11. Want to grab lunch after?” See what he says. If he relaxes just from being included in the conversation, you’ve got your answer. If he interrogates you about Mike, that’s a different diagnosis.

Resentment grows in silence. The things we don’t talk about become the things that divide us. I spent thirty years telling couples this, then had to learn it myself the hard way at 74.

Oh, and since this is supposed to be actual pickleball advice: work on your third-shot drops during these drills. Most people skip them because they’re boring, but they win games. Have your drill partner feed you deep returns while you’re at the kitchen line, and practice dropping it soft right at their feet. Fifteen minutes of this will transform your game. Plus it’s so focused on technique that nobody could mistake it for anything but serious practice.

After everything settled with Richard, we started playing together every Saturday morning. He still can’t return my spin serve—I did learn it from Frank—but now when I beat him with it, he just laughs and says “your boyfriend taught you that one, huh?” We can joke about it now.

Patsy’s Pickleball Truth: Most relationship problems aren’t about what they say they’re about—dig deeper and you’ll find the real game being played.

I don’t know your husband. Maybe he’s being ridiculous. Maybe you’re both being a little ridiculous. But from someone who spent three decades helping couples communicate and still managed to screw this up herself: don’t wait. Talk to him now. Ask him what he’s really worried about. Listen to the answer underneath the answer.

And if it turns out he just misses you? That’s actually a pretty nice problem to have.

Patsy