Dear Picklepedia: My Husband Called a 10-Year-Old a “Stupid Little Sh%t” At Open Play, Made Him Cry – Now the Parents Want to Talk
By Picklepedia’s Patsy – Pickleball Coach & Retired Therapist
Dear Picklepedia,
I’m in a situation that’s making me want to quit pickleball altogether.
Last Tuesday at open play, I was playing with my husband “Dave” (not his real name). He’s 68, normally a solid 3.5 player. But Tuesday was rough. He’d eaten a huge lunch right before – I’m talking full Italian sub with extra onions – and he was absolutely gassed from the first point. Missing easy shots, huffing and puffing, clearly frustrated with himself. But he’s the kind of guy who will literally never admit he made a mistake, even something as simple as “maybe I shouldn’t have eaten a meatball sub before pickleball.
We were already down 7-2 when two kids – maybe 10 and 12 – came onto the adjacent court with their dad.
The 10-year-old’s ball kept rolling onto our court. First time, no big deal. I picked it up and tossed it back. But it happened again. And again. The kid had zero control.
The fifth time – when the ball hit Dave in the back during our serve – he lost it.
He turned around, red-faced and sweating, and screamed: “You stupid little sh%t! Can’t you keep your goddamn balls on your own court? This is for REAL players, not some kid who can’t even hit straight!”
The kid froze. Then started crying. His dad came storming over. Dave doubled down, saying kids “have no business” on adult courts and “maybe his parents should teach him basic competence.”
I apologized profusely, but the damage was done. The kid was sobbing, the dad was furious, and Dave stormed off muttering about “entitled parents.”
Now the parents want to meet to “discuss what happened.” Dave says I’m “overreacting” and that I “betrayed” him by apologizing. We had a huge fight where he insisted he “did nothing wrong” and that I should “have his back.”
Here’s the thing: Dave NEVER apologizes. Not to me, not to our kids, not to anyone. In 32 years of marriage, I can count on one hand the times he’s said “I’m sorry.”
What do I do? Do I meet with the parents? How do I handle Dave?
—Mary in Scottsdale
Dear Mary,
Your husband of 32 years had a public meltdown because he ate poorly, played badly, refused to take responsibility for either, and took it out on a child.
And now he wants you to act like that’s normal.
Dave was 100% wrong. And his frustration doesn’t make it better – it makes it worse. He knew he was playing terribly, couldn’t admit it, and when a convenient scapegoat appeared, he unleashed on a 10-year-old.
But here’s what I really want to talk about: Dave’s refusal to ever apologize isn’t a quirky personality trait. It’s a character flaw. And after 32 years, you’ve gotten so used to it that you’re describing it like it’s just “how Dave is.”
It’s not. It’s a choice. And this incident shows you exactly what that choice costs.
Why This Happened (And Why It Doesn’t Matter)
We’ve all been there – eat poorly before playing, your body feels like lead, every shot is too slow, and you’re watching yourself fail in real-time. It’s maddening.
But you don’t get to take self-inflicted frustration out on children.
Dave knew he’d eaten too much. Dave knew he was struggling. Dave knew his poor performance had nothing to do with that kid’s errant balls. But admitting “I’m playing badly because I made a dumb choice” would require taking responsibility.
So instead, he found someone else to blame. Someone smaller. Someone who couldn’t fight back.
The “Never Says Sorry” Problem
You’ve been married 32 years to a man who never learned to apologize. That’s not marriage material – that’s a walking red flag you’ve gotten used to.
Imagine what that kid experienced: A grown man screamed at him and made him cry. Then that man’s wife apologized… but the man himself? Nothing. Just doubling down.
That teaches the kid: There are adults who will hurt you and act like you deserved it. That power means never having to say sorry.
Is that the lesson you want Dave teaching? Is that the man you want to defend?
Why doesn’t Dave apologize?
Maybe his father never did. Maybe he thinks ‘real men’ don’t back down. Maybe admitting fault feels like emotional death. But here’s the truth: People who can’t apologize aren’t strong – they’re fragile. They’re so afraid of being seen as imperfect that they’ll burn relationships rather than say two simple words.”
What “Having His Back” Actually Means
When Dave says you “betrayed” him, he’s revealing something: He thinks loyalty means lying for him.
That’s not marriage. Real partnership means telling your spouse hard truths. It means saying “I love you, but you’re wrong.” “Having Dave’s back” means helping him become better, not enabling cruelty.
Meet With the Parents
Absolutely meet with them. Text: “My husband’s behavior was completely unacceptable, and I’m so sorry your son experienced that. I’d like to meet and make this right.”
When you meet:
- Apologize sincerely – you’re the only adult willing to do right
- Validate their anger – any parent would be furious
- Ask what they need – apology from Dave? Reassurance? Just to be heard?
- Be honest – “My husband struggles with accountability”
Dave will hate this. But you’re not making him look bad. His behavior did that.
The Conversation With Dave
Sit down with Dave and have the conversation you should have had years ago:
“Dave, I love you. But your refusal to apologize is damaging us, and now it’s damaging other people.
You screamed at a child because you were frustrated with yourself. You played badly because you ate a huge lunch – we both know that. But instead of owning it, you took it out on a kid.
I’m meeting with his parents because it’s right. And I need you to decide: Do you want to be the man who hurts children and never apologizes, or do you want to be better?
Because I didn’t marry someone who would do this. I married someone I respected.”
He’ll get defensive. He’ll yell or sulk. Let him be uncomfortable. That discomfort is growth trying to happen.
What Dave Should Do (But Won’t)
Dave should go to those parents and say: “I was having a terrible game and took my frustration out on your son. That was completely wrong. He didn’t do anything wrong – he’s learning. I’m sorry I yelled at him. He’s welcome here anytime.”
Will he? Probably not. Because Dave doesn’t apologize. Dave would rather be wrong than be sorry.
But you can’t control Dave. You can only control yourself. And you can show that kid at least one adult knows right from wrong.
Report the Incident
Yes, even though it’s your husband. Contact whoever manages the courts. Not to punish Dave, but because actions need consequences.
Tell Dave first: “I’m reporting this because it’s right. If you’d apologized, maybe this would be different. But you didn’t.”
The Real Lesson
This moment is showing you what 32 years of never apologizing looks like when pointed at someone vulnerable.
Adults who never apologize hurt everyone around them. They teach kids that pride matters more than relationships. They teach spouses that smoothing things over trumps demanding better.
You can teach different lessons:
- Being married doesn’t mean defending the indefensible
- Real strength means admitting when you’re wrong
- How you treat people when frustrated reveals true character
- It’s never too late to choose integrity over ego
That 10-year-old will remember the angry man forever. But if you show him some adults choose differently? That memory might heal the first one.
And maybe Dave will remember too. Maybe this is when he realizes never apologizing doesn’t make him strong – it makes him the guy who screams at children.
Be the woman who stands up for kids, even when it’s your husband who needs standing up to,
Patsy
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